RAM: 99% of iPhone Games are Crap

61% of People Agree: Stats Never Lie

Hello and welcome to our first ever RAM.  I hope that this one will lead the way for many like it, which will offend some, resonate with others and appall the remainder.  Let’s get right into it shall we?

I recently made the plunge into a paying iPhone app user, and picked up several games.  I thought about doing some OtC articles about them, but then realised they would mostly all turn out the same and just waste people’s time which I’m all about saving.  So instead I figured I’d cover just about all of them with this one topic, 99% of iPhone games are crap.

One thing you’ll soon learn about me is that I love my stats.  So now that I can see you rolling your eyes and passing this off as another angry hardcore gamer who accidentally picked up the iPhone, set your own pedistal aside for 5 minutes and read on.  There are over 21,000 games currently listed in the app store.  So I’m saying that of those there are just over 200 that are worth spending your money on.  Can YOU name 200 iPhone games worth paying for?  I think I’m actually being generous.

What will also come as a surprise, is that I’m not going to rant on all the games that are crap…there are just too many and it would take too much time, but instead call out to some of the few gems and give some warnings so you don’t fall into the same traps that I have.

Flight Control
I’m pretty much obliged to start with this one, seeing as how it’s developed by those good ‘ole Aussie blokes at Firemint.  I don’t need to go into detail on this one, the game is a perfectly developed product for the iPhone as it plays to its strengths, knows the market, and doesn’t even entertain any weaknesses.  The only downside is that after playing for several hours that it can get repetitive, but the price performance on this one is through the roof.  Here’s hoping more developers take the hint from these guys on how to make iPhone games. (NO, I don’t mean blatently rip it off!)

If only more iPhone games were this good

Archon
They got this half right, as most of the original strategy is still there.  I loved the original so hard it would be illegal by today’s standards.  Maybe that’s why I felt so betrayed when I bought this and tried to play it.  I say try, because that’s all I could do with the current controls.  There’s no skill to be had here, it’s totally wiped out by random, clunky, and outright bugged to shit controls.  Don’t even touch this for .99 until they fix it, cause trust me, it’s TOTALLY broken.

iPhone Archon Tragedy

Sally’s Spa
I’m going to take a large hit to my street cred with this one, but I have to tell it like it is.  This is another example of a game that knows what the iPhone is, what it does well, and doesn’t try to tie it into submissive poses that JAV stars would be shocked by.  It’s simple, effective and very well polished.  It even innovates a bit within the genre and pulls it off rather well.  My only complaint is with the ramp up, as it’s great going until about 3/4ths of the way through where it really feels like it plateaus too early.  Still though, worth every penny.

Sally's Spa, relaxing insanity at its Finest

Hero of Sparta
If ever there should be a game for me, this would be it, right?  WRONG.  I love my Greek mythos, thought 300 was awesome, dig hack and slashes, heck if you’ve seen our video review of Rise of the Argonauts you know how much I want to have a GOOD game in this setting.  This game is a classic example of many out there, however, in that it pushes the iPhone to do things it’s not meant to do and the experience completely dies as a result.  The iPhone isn’t modern 3D hardware, and its valuable screen real estate is not meant to be eaten up by software controls like fake D-Pads and on-screen buttons.  If you want to make a game like this, make it on the PSP or even the DS, but stop taunting me and making me totally waste my money.  The design in the small bit of the game I suffered through also reeks horrendously of the “borrowing without understanding” fragrance.  Yes, quick time events can be fun if used correctly.  But here’s a news flash, if you make me do the exact same one every 2 minutes of playing, then YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Think God of War at 5 FPS and not fun

Pocket God
I can already hear you, “But this isn’t even a game!”  Like Sims 3 is really that much different?  It’s a game in that it’s interactive entertainment; sure maybe you don’t win or lose or have a set beginning and end, but just because there’s no score doesn’t mean it’s not a game. (Woah, Prisoner’s Dilema 101, lookout!)  This was one of the first games I saw on the iPhone that made me go, “Wow, that’s really cool.”  I think it’s also fantastic how they actually use the money they earn to keep adding more into the product, so what you get for that little $ just keeps on growing.  Kudos Pocket God, you’ve made a lot of people happy which, in the end, is what it’s all about.

Playing God has never been so portable

Summary
So what’s the point of all this?  Last I checked we’re still in a recession, which means even where my $1 goes matters, heck if I was just going to throw away my money I would rather donate it to a good charity.  I want this epidemic of crap to stop, and to make it stop developers and consumers both need to change. I make it a point to always end on something to do or change, a challenge for friends and foes alike.  This time I’m going to be a bit different and call for some action from both ends of the spectrum.

Developers, stop taking advantage of the misinformation that consumers face on Apple’s app store, stop trying to sell your games for far more than its worth only to drop it in price a week later, stop pushing the iPhone to the point where your games are unplayable, and for the love of god and all that is holy stop posting up what you know is garbage in the hope that some idiot buys it anyway.

Consumers, yes that means most of you, band together and demand proof of quality before you purchase anything, EVEN IF IT’S ONLY $1.  Stop throwing away your hard earned money in the hopes of finding out if a game is worth anything or not.  Reviews on the app store are WORTHLESS.  All but the most popular of all titles have less than 100 reviews which are easily stacked by marketing, and Apple (yeah that’s right I’m coming right at you here) has a self-fulfilling agenda with placing only the highest rated positive reviews at the top or on the featured page (After all, they make money for every copy sold as well, so there’s NO REASON for them to give an honest representation).  The only way we as consumers can be sure, is with a Lite product.  Sure, they might still be able to pull some fun and games on us, but a lot less then right now.  If we all stopped buying games that refuse to put out a Lite version then we’d catch 99% of the crap in the first place, letting the sales go to the 1% that really matter.

So there you go, Internet.  Do what I ask and the app store might evolve into something with less spam and contain useful information, or don’t, and let it continue to fester and spread like a modern day mobile bubonic plague.  Either way, I’m eagerly awaiting your flames of hate, just be warned they only serve as fuel to my fire.

Double D out.