A fair while ago a friend of mine showed me a game he and some others were working on. It was a pretty simple old school 2D side scroller. I played through the first 4 levels of this baby and I wanted more. Sadly I had to wait for the finished product because this was really a side project for these guys and real life work got in the way. Occasionally I would ask the question, is it done yet, until finally, to my delight, Erik says, play this and tell me what you think. Here goes mate, I will not be kind.

The story is as such. The city of Grendale is under attack by gremlins. You, as Kindle, armed with your cane and flanked by your trusty owl companion, Wick, have to save the kingdom. This basically involves you lighting lamps and fire-places to keep the pesky gremlins away. You also club the crap out of a heap of gremlins in the process with the help of the occasional brownie (fairy that is, not food).

Lets fire it up

Enough of the story, let’s talk gameplay! Emberwind plays like the classic 2D side scrollers from the 90’s with the arrow keys moving in all directions and space bar to smack things. The only extra key used is ctrl which allows you to interact with objects or tell your fireflies to find hidden items and entrances. The level structure is pretty straight forward with you either being able to run and gun it or take your time to explore for more reward. I thoroughly recommend exploring though.

Map goodness

You find some nice extra skills and power ups for just a little more time invested. Besides, it’s fun! Be sure to check for secret levels too!The world map is easy to navigate, if a little linear but you can move back and forth through the levels you’ve already completed and give them another shot.

We I started to play, the first and foremost feeling was nostalgia. I used to play these games all the time when I was younger, whether it be an arcade or the computer. I found it so easy to just fall into the old feeling of jump, smack, grab; which leads me to my next favourite thing – gremlin smashing. There is nothing more satisfying than smacking a gremlin. That terrified squeal as they get caned in the face or the surprised look after incineration. Brownies place throughout the levels make this even more interesting and fun. There are several different types of Brownie, each with a different special ability. My favourite was the whirlwind and fire dude. Nothing funnier than a whole line of gremlins getting thrown into the air by a miniature tornado then waiting for them to land 1 by 1 and smacking em in the head.

Boss fights are handled a little differently to other games with a quasi tug of war going on between you and the boss.

Boss fight tug o war

Everytime a hit is scored the balance tips in their favour. So rather than dying after a couple of smacks, a fight can be more drawn out and a little more interesting. Though there were times when I felt the tug of war was a pain in the arse as I kept taking damage and not quite putting the bad guy away.

But there were things that I hated and this wouldn’t be a review if I didn’t find some hate.

Though the gameplay is easy enough to learn there are still some issues that will annoy. Sometimes when Kindle gets excited he tends to run, add a jump to this run and he rolls into a ball. This in itself is fun, even useful, until you end up rolling across the screen and into the water to drown or amongst the bad guys to get the crap kicked out of you. Very uncool.

Let's play hide the gnome

I have a love/hate relationship with water. I love the way it changes the sound when you submerse, music included, but I hate the way it punishes you for a missed step. I understand it is part of the game but there were times when I called Kindle a few choice words along with the dev’s name (I’m looking at you Chris!). A leap of faith at the wrong time can cost you time sanity and perhaps that favourite Brownie you were towing around. I also found myself being lost in the scenery from time to time, mainly foreground stuff with railings where bad guys lie in wait; like ships. Danger to those who jump with gay abandoned to suddenly realise you’re amongst the bad guys.

I have to say that despite these things I enjoyed the game and I’m not saying that because a mate made it (unmarked bills please). The good definitely outweighs the bad without a doubt. It is colourful without assaulting

Fat lewts FTW!

the senses, sound is epic when it needs to be and the dialogue can hand you a few laughs from time to time.

Overall Emberwind is a solid game. It may not be in the league of Shadow Complex or have the annoying time mechanic that Braid has but it is a solid little game. It is perfect for an oldie like me looking for nostalgia or something for the youngsters that is easy and safe to play. Two thumbs up and nice work guys.

This was to be the the first installment of what we are going to call “Off the Couch” but I was too slow and slack. This is open to any of you guys out there in the world of gaming to take a game and review it in short order. You aren’t restricted to the 30 minute trial that we put our games through so feel free to play it to the bitter end. I usually do. Whether you love or hate the game it doesn’t matter, the important thing is that you are honest about it. Anyway enough of my guff on with the review.

Narcolepsy was a common problem amongst German paratroopers

So when the hype around Turning Point began I was interested. A different slant on how the Second World War went down always intrigues me. I didn’t buy Liberty when it first came out, in fact I pretty much ignored it but I saw it for like 15 bucks and thought what the hell. And hell it was. I originally installed it on my pc at work, jacked up the resolution, of which there is only 2 settings, and watched it chug away, loading every 10 seconds.

It’s obvious from the outset that this game is for a console but I don’t recall it getting released on one. Maybe it was and I blocked it out. The language and feel of it solidify it in this realm and so my scepticism grows.  The animation is bad at best. Clunky with terrible moments of stretched textures that look more like they should be in a TAFE project. I press on though, hoping that the action will make up for this short fall. I jump from girder to girder and eventually end up bitch slapping a Nazi off the building site, taking his gun at the same time. This event involves the use of a wrestle mechanic which I truly hated in COD 3 but here I find it ok.

I'll take mine with a twist of lemon please

You can render the guy immobile by snapping his neck or something similar, or use him as a human shield. The latter is kind of fun but where he pulls that pistol from I’m not sure I want to know. So as I plod along through the beginnings of this game I notice a few things.

First, there is specula on things that there should never be specula. Things such as pants shouldn’t shine like that. Bullet time doesn’t magically start when a grenade goes off and Germans are not that stupid. Seriously, why does enemy AI have to be so retarded? As an FPS player I like to be challenged from time to time. My first encounter with a story element is a Bronx sounding Italian telling me to get rid of that German crap. Funnily enough, that German crap is better than the equipment he provides me with so I’m a little pissed when I have to use a Thompson and an M1 garand. I vow to find a replacement as soon as I’m able. So this exchange occurs and I hold very little hope for any significant story. My second sortee into the unknown is to guard a check point to hold off the nasty Nazis. This was a terrible scripted section of game play that a 2 year old could have completed.

Bombing by colours

Now granted you were still learning the ropes but this is ridiculous. I walk through that one easy enough and its on to the next bit of fun, how to blow up a tank. Essentially you just crawl up underneath, click on the flashing red bit then take part in a supremely stupid mini game of match the wire. Whatever fucktard designer thought this was a clever idea needs to have their imagination revoked, permanently. So I connect blue to blue green to green…..AGGGHHHH!!

I manage to persevere through about an hour or so more of gameplay before I give up in disgust. I seriously want to stab myself in the eye with a fork. How the hell this game can get to publish is beyond me. How the hell anyone thought this was a good game is beyond me. If I was part of the dev team that made this travesty I would hide in a small closet and bash myself with a rubber mallet until the memory of this was gone, then wash my soul just to be sure.

Ahh, sure. I'll kill him.

The funniest moment I had with this game is a toss up between 2. The first was when I killed an enemy in a door way and he proceeded to rap dance his way up and down the door frame. Wish I had a screen shot. The second was the introduction to the 4^th mission, where you had to kill the president. A gravelly voice declares, “Get….Fuck I can’t remember his name….to do it. He’s the best shot!” zoom into dudes expressionless pixelated face…….

If there is anything you do this year I beg of you not to buy this game. Save yourself, save humanity and never let this crap see the light of a DVD laser.

So-called “Casual games” can’t be bought with Casual money. Until such a currency gets invented, games will continue to cost SERIOUS HARDCORE dollars. That’s why questioning a game’s fun and value before the purchase is still relevant even if the game costs “only” 20 bucks. But don’t waste time with the web’s mounds of metascore excrement to know whether Plants vs. Zombies is right for you. See below for every assessment you need to know.

Fun?

Who would have thought that you don’t need a trigger to feel the satisfaction of shooting. In PvZ there’s a passive shooting mechanic (the plants) that produces a respectable body count all the same. Good times are guaranteed with not only shooters but also catapults, demolition, buffs and nutty unlockables. The laughs escalate along with the carnage when your situational weapons overpower the enemy, showcasing clever and silly warfare stunts. PvZ is fun, and funny.

I cared little for the Zen Gardening feature but it led to the secret of how to tweak zombie appearance, as seen in the graphic to the right.

Value?

I derived a solid 25 hours of playtime before finishing the Adventure mode levels twice and all other mode levels once. I later spent another five hours trying to beat my own best records on a handful of challenge levels before deciding I’d had enough.

More than half of all levels will take just five minutes each to clear, while some take exponentially longer (“Bobsled Bonanza” and the second “Survival: Fog”).

In all, I found 149 semi-unique levels, and that’s double-counting the 50 levels of Adventure mode, which stays compelling for a second full playthrough (thanks to extra hardship imposed by your neighbor). The third round of Adventure though played just like the second and was an immediate bore.

What’s the game missing? Stats. I found myself wanting to know how many zombies I’d stopped, the volume of my sunflower production, and comparisons across levels and against friends. The basic download version offers no such numerical pat on the back but at least the Steam version supports achievements.

A final word on Gardening: After many Japanese RPGs, I’m fatigued by even the concept of garden maintenance in games. So it was that, anticipating a big convenience boost to my PvZ gardening routine, I began cursing and rapidly consuming cold beer when I bought the pricey Golden Watering Can only to discover it reaches a mere four plants at one time. I’d been had. Later my mood improved when I discovered I could get the garden snail high on chocolate.

What’s it to her?

(To male gamers)

A question posed by a Learning Curve staff member last Friday at beer o’clock: “Would my girlfriend like this game as a present?” My answer: A video game as a gift to a woman? No, dude, this is earth — go away and come back after your antennae fall off.

However, would your girlfriend enjoy seeing or playing your copy of this game from time to time, and credit you with intelligence and maturity for owning it?

Affirmative, mate! PvZ can help sway ladies toward respecting your gaming pixel addiction. How? Women will appreciate the neckties and stylishly ripped pants of the grunt zombies, will laugh at the subtle rolling eyeball of the miner zombie when he reverses direction, and will hum along with the cutesy credits music video.

If you’re still not convinced then show your girl the music video or Zen Gardening instead of the levels. Local surveys conducted after beer o’clock last week suggest this game is a man’s dream PR machine. The game’s positive tone is perfect for deflecting date rage when you play Eve on Saturday nights.

This title could end up ranking among your personal Top 30 for fun and value. Even if it doesn’t though, you can bet your non-casual dollars that your girlfriend will crave your brain a little more after she sees this anything-but-garden-variety showdown.